{tuck when he spies lola}

lately even though tuck has not been much of a rocker, i’ve been rocking my baby.  before naps, and before bed.  i read a book, turn out the light, and start rocking.   He curls up and puts his little hand on my chest and his head in my crook.   the longer i rock the easier the transition is when i put him in the crib for the rest of naptime.  he just wants ME so much.  it’s exhausting some times, but so very sweet and easily the most tender thing of my life.  so it’s hard to put him down even though dang it i know I have got to get him on a better schedule.  i sit there and rock, smell his little furry head (is there a better smell in this world? no.), rub his back.  and think.  

one day last week I broke all of the rules and let him nap peacefully and blissfully in that little crook for two hours.  i browsed fb on my phone  – which i usually think of as the bain of the internet, a story for another day – and something popped up that had my throat closed up and tears spilling on my little guys blonde hair.  A very sweet girl i knew from high school had the first anniversary of losing her one year old.  things like that give me all kinds of questions for God.  why.  it feels so senseless.  even though it is clear her faith remains strong.  still, losing a child is unbearable, unnatural, and inconceivable to me.   Loss is something I have yet to truly experience and something I fear.  Even when I have full confidence of where they are headed.  It’s just hard.  hard for me to wrap that kind of loss around my head.  JB lost his sister when he was 16, she was 18.  I am always amazed and humbled by the way JB and his parents are not bitter.  they are truly the most resilient people I know.  each of them possess such a joy and love for life.  for me, i don’t know, I might still be in bed crying.  though I don’t know personally but God must give you the grace and strength you need if you ask.  each of them honor her life.  they comfort others going through similar circumstances.  each of them always do and say the hard thing when someone near them is experiencing loss.  I know she must be proud up there.

I digress, but there I sat rocking my baby.  crying.  praying {and pleading let’s be honest} with God to protect him and yet knowing his purpose is not up to me.  He is Gods.  not mine.  not jb’s.  

what a privilege it is to raise Gods child.  literally every second is blessed. 

and so there i rocked and vowed to stop whining all the time about how big he is getting.  some never get to see their babies get big.  even i still mourn the loss of that little life in 2012 and wonder who he/she would be.   SO – I am just going to enjoy it- this whole growing up and getting big thing.   

ALL of it is good.  I keep thinking that NOW is the most fun, until his next week new quirks come out.  then I’m certain THIS is the most fun age. 

 if I continually keep telling myself to stop my nonsense and whining maybe I can be brave about it and it’ll stick.   I want to live in gratitude for every second I get with him.