If you would have asked me the instant I found out I was pregnant with Wesley, if we were going to have another I would have said there’s no way I’m not going to at least try! I felt this way for a awhile after he was born. With feelings of it coming and going. Some trip or a wedding would come up, and I’d feel myself pushing the thought of three a bit further. I am from a big-ish family, so two kids just didn’t seem complete for me. I love the chaos, especially at Christmas time. I just love big families. I could also speak to the side of big families being a hard thing too – someone is always left out and you don’t always have the support (though sometimes that can be a good thing) that I may have had with parents who just focused on two. Still, I wouldn’t change it for the world… and I think there are some great lessons learned in that. I think the hardest part, if we are done, for me personally is that I didn’t think Wes was my last baby.
I just never saw myself stopping at two. I thought definitely three, probably four. The thought of not getting to know another baby breaks my heart – not nursing, caring for, praying over… that is hard. JB always thought two was a good number for him, but ultimately it was up to me. The further we get away from baby territory (both in our kids ages, and my age of 34) the more I feel content with my two. A contentment I really didn’t think I would have until I had more. They are such healthy, happy, wonderful children – and handfuls (lol) so maybe two is really the best number for us. I honestly unfairly judged people in the past thinking why would you have one? just two? what?! But the right number is different for everyone and you have to take into tons of things into account. No one knows what is right for the family except for that family. And really, except for God.
I think I have been asked “are you going to try for a girl” eleven billion times. If I were to go for a third, or a fourth, it would not be for that. I love girls, I also wouldn’t change a head on my boys hair for anything in this world. I know God places and arranges families with His will and purpose in mind. I feel grateful to have two amazing God daughters, and am committed to investing and pouring into their life for all of mine. And I’m so grateful that their mothers include me in all the girly stuff.
For a while I felt like my identity was so wrapped up in being a mother, that it was hard to see me stopping. For me, I don’t think it is particularly healthy, and I had to work on finding my identity (and still have to work on it) in God and His will for my life. It just felt like if not babies and mothering, then what? I still feel like that at times.
I was so sick for both pregnancies, especially my first, and wound up in the hospital a couple times each. I threw up nearly every day… it was really hard to keep anything down. But that isn’t even anything I hang in the balance of whether or not to try for a baby or not. Every time I would gear up to seriously thinking about a third, something would come up and I’d push it a little further down, to be thought about the following month. This has gone on for a while!
Watching my two guys develop such a close bond is one of the greatest privileges of my life. Having a third would inevitably change some of that, but maybe it could make them all stronger? Again, parenting … it’s like reading the tea leaves knowing what will be best ten, twenty, thirty years down the road.
The other night we went shark fishing on the boat with the boys and it was just such a great night. I could sit back and watch them fish, enjoy the water, tinker around, have a picnic, watch the sunset, and eat too many oreos. I just sat there with a stupid grin on my face the whole time. Truly I may have had a couple tears well up in my eyes, because I realized this is what contentment feels like. That if I never have another child, I have more than enough right now.
I also have to say, would I EVER regret having another baby… nope, no way. So maybe that null and voids this whole post. Ha. But I wanted to address this in a post, especially after I considered a honda oddessey on instastories and got lots of “are congrats in order?”. They aren’t – and also I stuck with my suv. (:
What about you? Do you have a magic number in mind?
