In March, I found out I was pregnant.  It was a total and complete shock.  Certainly not in my plan at that point.  But overnight that complete disbelief disappeared – I felt insanely blessed. happy.  at peace with this.  I was ecstatic.  so was my JB. ha. that’s putting it lightly. A little over a week later I found out I had miscarried.  My doctor called it a chemical pregnancy.  The hormones produced the positive, but nothing else stuck.  She said many people have them, not ever knowing they were pregnant.  That it wasn’t my fault.  Still, I can’t remember a time I cried so much. I couldn’t climb out of that for a while.  I felt pretty silly for feeling so sad – when people have them later, and when it is much more tragic of a loss.  Still, a loss is a loss.  And it has to be grieved.  I think this is when I felt curled up with God.  like he was really holding my hand.  hard times are good for drawing us closer to what matters, and pulling us away from what simply does not.

due to current commitments to clients I either had to get pregnant like yesterday, or in a year.  That timeline was a frustrating one as I figured I’d have to wait a year.  But following my miscarriage,  I wasn’t thinking straight.  I remember realizing I needed to get an appointment for some form of birth control … and that’s when it dawned on me that I still hadn’t had my period since our loss.  I took a test.  and HO-LY smokes.  that line was dark as night.  pregnant. I ran upstairs and woke JB up to tell him!  JB and I were both pretty cautious about getting excited… I kept quiet and for a long while it was just us knowing.  I prayed and hoped.  I told that baby to stay put.  A week after we found out I started bleeding just like before.  I was heartbroken once again but something inside me thought maybe, just maybe I wasn’t miscarrying.  Sure enough, I wasn’t.  It was a hematoma, which did make my chances of miscarrying higher but I wasn’t.  Tears poured out of me, and I remember walking out of my doctors office just sobbing in my moms arms.  So so happy.  Later during my 8 week ultrasound, I heard a a healthy heartbeat, and saw a jumping baby.  I couldn’t speak, I was totally choked up, I just cried.  thankfulness flooded my heart.  how do i get to do this?  This past week we went to see our 12/13 week ultrasound… and there it was.  Another strong heartbeat -159!  i could count the babies 10 fingers.  Baby stretched out, put hand above the head.  Just relaxing, like on the beach in positano.  I think she/he already has JB’s laid back personality.

I’m overjoyed. grateful beyond measure? yes, that too.

All of the un-pleasantries of pregnancy don’t really matter like I thought they would.  I’d already do anything for this little human i’m cooking.  your dad would too – including late night runs for ice cream already.